4: no-empathy_blackmail.mp4 [May 09, 2025]

Trigger Warning: Harassment, Yelling

I have a habit of getting into spats online. As someone who is autistic I have a high sense of anger seeing injustice and unfairness in the world. It started with me trying to bring up the cycle of young people being manipulated into immoral and apathetic responses to the world. It ended with me facing online personalities head on. And becoming a punching bag for those who deal with their own struggles.

Tired and angry at the vitriol I have seen for over a decade, I started questioning the behavior of those who profited the most on ridiculing others. Doing so created the need for the personalities to spin deceitful lies to deny the power of my words.

Which lead me to the naive conclusion to make a video as they would. However I tried using an empathetic lens to describe my feelings. It fell on deaf ears unfortunately as my criticisms were at the forefront of their minds.

It did not hurt me to see most of the responses. As their personalities were always predisposed for sarcasm and ridicule. But the mocking of one who I felt empathy for did what the others tried to do easily. I was confused, upset, and angry. I stormed into their space irrational to my own self preservation. The compassion I was given switched off my frustration. I was given the chance of community.

Lowering my combativeness but still filled with anxiety, I started the slow process of shedding my self doubt. Self doubt that had been shrouding around me for several years. Day by day I got more comfortable trying to fit in. Then one day I was blindsided by the reality of my situation.

A community member found my video. With the same highly critical lens often used to others, I was confronted yet again. However I was not aware of what was happening at the time as I was locked from every channel to see the context. It filled me with anxiety. Many were aggressive with their questioning. I was given what I felt was bad faith interpretations for my words. Until I talked to an individual who was more open to healthy conversations.

It took a while for me to see behind the wall. It was like a punch to the gut. The server I wanted to communicate with was filled with distrust and negative perspectives of me. The self doubt quickly started choking me yet again. I psycho analyzed my messages to find an alternative future where I wasn't hated, similar to how I did in the past that traumatized me to stop reaching out. My username was changed to Barbie. The juvenile reality shot me deep in the heart.

Irrational yet again I sent a message to the one who brought it up and the one who confronted me. Deeply affected I wanted them to know about how it hurt and my trauma that controlled me. But the Irrationality clouding me forget the perspective that the person I was dumping onto might have their own problems with trauma.

I'm deeply sorry about my behavior to them. My conversations with them have only ended positively. The comments and actions of others were pinned on them. It ended with me being ran out of the server with the request that I should kill myself.

A week or so had passed. The anger and anxiety had passed me by. I was only left with sadness and dejected honor. Self reflecting on a high I acknowledged that when it came to stressful situations I would always be a coward and isolate myself from it. Giving up halfway to find an easier route to the life I want. A tinge of hope fluttered inside me. Perhaps it was not too late to reform my image. Maybe I could slowly build back a chance at redemption. I decided to try my luck but was quickly shot down at the door.

Thinking to myself on what to do next I looked back at the events that lead me here. The cycle that I partook in. The repeating attacks on people I've seen for a decade has finally gotten me. I decided a proclamation was in order, I want to stop the cycle by jamming myself head first into it. The message I posted was hit with a wave of comments of people mocking and criticizing it. One person I was familiar with as I had spats with him about what I felt was his deep spiral into hatred and resentment. The person who I had the positive conversation with was publicly admitting to wanting to send information about me. The switch between forgiving and conniving got to me. I told them I distrusted them and that they would not hear the last of me. Which lead to us deciding a call for debate was in order. Unbeknownst to me it would not be a 1 on 1 affair. As the Man behind many altercations would insert himself as well.

It was a 2 hour call that would lead me to tell them more of my trauma than before, this time consented to with pressure. When it came to the conversation I had with the compassionate one, it was a decent chat. I felt we both started to understand each other more. An amicable “debate” that could have left this at a better resolution. Then the Man wanted to speak.

It was a verbal abuse rejection of my character. Mistrust of my intentions and the accusation that I was the most selfish person he has come across in a while. This man has dealt with backstabbing family and friends, he has dealt with sexual predators and pedophiles. He's dealt with narcissistic online personalities as his content. It was baffling and still is, but it gave me self doubt, perhaps the reason behind it. I pushed him to tell me more terrible things about me, he decided to bring someone in to do it for him. He thought I consented to this but I in fact didn't say a word. I locked up and thought it was something I could not argue against.

I have compiled some audio from this encounter. I hastily started recording a few minutes into the call as I thought it would be important. If you think this is some privacy violation don't worry, he actually recorded our past call and shared it to god knows who (More on that later). The recording however did not pick up my mic, which leads to an eery experience listening back on it. Even during the call I had put on music as it helps with my anxiety talking to people. So as I'm yelled at the faint echo of Sewerslvt can be heard, the song choice from my emotions.

This is only snippets of the call obviously. This does not even condense all the scolding, not even the most damning of words. It is simply the ones that affected me the most, and the ones I felt most important to share. The reason I have decided to share a bit of the call is to somewhat take control of the situation as I'm currently being blackmailed by this Man.

The consequences of sharing this might be cutthroat. As well the results of his demands not being met. If I'm ever seen near his community, or speak out to others without fuller context, he will release the calls. Not just that though, he will give it to the people I tried confronting, the people who mock and harass people like me. I thought this Man had morals but he fully told me what he feels about things like empathy. The only grace I can hope for is he does not go back on his word about keeping my trauma private. The rest of his actions are up to him, as my actions are up to me.

With all this said, what is my current plans going forward? Well, I still want to make a positive change in the world. It's correct that it isn't my place to do so, or that I can change people's minds with just kind words. It's obvious the way I tried going about things was more akin to self harm than standing up. So I will try a different approach going forward. No longer will I attack head on towards danger, I shall simply try and encourage others who might be spiraling. Of course paying no mind to the most disgusting individuals around. Because even though the Man tried to paint me as selfish and egocentric, I do care about other people. If I was truly selfish about my intentions I wouldn't try reasoning with people, I would make a generic drama video dunking on people while their down. I would have successfully tried killing myself when my life was in the worst state I've been in. I kept pushing for the sake of my friend and family. I wouldn't have crippling depression and self doubt. I would give in to the cycle of abuse.

I do not hate this Man. Truth is he is hurting and threw his building anger onto me. His trust in people is at an all time low and I can not blame him for feeling this way. He's been hurt several times helping people through tough times. He's constantly pushed and is prone to aggression. I was worried that his spirit was broken which was the entire point of bringing him up on my original video in the first place. I'm not saying people's names for a reason, even if the Man's identity is obvious. He is omnipresent in a lot of communities after all. It's a power imbalance through and through, what's one depressed and stressed out autistic to a Man with 18,000 followers?

I may not be religious, but my sense of morality is as true as any theist out there. I strongly believe what I'm trying to stand up for. I might be naive in the ways I go about doing it but my hope keeps me trying even when I fail spectacularly. I shall end this with a simple quote. It displays my reasoning eloquently and wraps this up nicely. I truly hope for a better future.

Galatians 6:9 -"And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up"